Saturday, March 29, 2014
THINGS EVERY BLOGGER NEEDS OR IS ALREADY SUFFERING FROM : A STATISTICAL APPROACH
Low self esteem and social anxiety: A blogger is more likely to have these so you might as well admit to suffering from them.
An unlimited supply of beverage of choice, not necessarily your first choice..
We both know that you will have to wait for 70 days before it goes on sale and by the promo from you credit card would have expired.
A safe distance from premium channels
A text editor that is the envy of J.K.Rowlings or notepad, which ever gets your point across.
At this point what does it matter?
You are broke, I are broke, the car broke.. Nobody cares.
The odds of your being in Yale and reading this are so low that I will buy the State lotto if you can prove you are at yale.edu
same goes for Harvard, MIT, Princeton, and a couple of other schools i hate because i coUld not attend them.
A camera that is recommended by papparazzi or NASA or both
Two back-up devices to get to Social Media
You don't know what that is? If you have to Google it, you have been employed far too long.
Being at least two standard deviations away from the average iq within 200 hundred mile radius where pdf is the population density function.
Routine watching of the Big Bang Theory and emulating Shelly.
Being on a first name basis will Maher.. Well if you don't know him/her I cannot help you.
I assure you that all effective bloggers know Maher.. Its not a typo, I did not mean Mahler.
He is not my bookie or the dealer or a parole officer. We are insulted. One slap on the wrist and everyone is so-o judgy.
A restraining order against the colleague who wants you to buy a time share. 1 in 43 colleagues will do this and your office has 47 employees. Still, I say employ the pre-emptive strike.
A very rudimentary talk plan from your mobile carrier because last I checked few can pull off typing while talking. Buy a headset.
A good dental plan because you are likely to stop brushing when you see the number of page views. I was depressed too, until i found the automatic pageview generator .
The automatic pageview generator is a store in a different country that will generate page views for a fees and some Nike shoes.
Turns out the shoes are more important because they will hack into your card account anyways. Their country has banned Nike because of the false claims of shoes toning muscles.
A very calm approach to the nightly onset of shopaholic sprees,where you buy the most unwanted items.
54% of the bloggers, according to an infographic are women. Most of these bloggers also read other blogs, but seem to do so in the mornings or on the weekends. So save your best for then. Be sure to generate unique content.
Unique content leads to pageviews and return customers:
Only you have seen your aunt steal the family heirlooms while at the funeral. A vivid description of this would make it unique content, if painful. This knowledge, until you share it with us, will be unique to you. I would say that the probability of anyone else knowing that is very low, so please blog and use your smart phone to Insty her guilt. I know your dad wont forgive you for this, but everyone in the family resents her more. Hopefully your dad will calm down once you reassure him that the casino incident is "forgotten".
I cannot talk about moms, though.. I am truly scared of mine.
This is not blackmail if you:
1) are preventing Swarovski crystal swans from being stolen in the near future.
2)and haven't asked her for compensation.
I say this because a statistically significant number of aunts bequeath their worldly possessions to the observant nieces and nephews. Smartphones have only increased the rates and proven my point.
Bring your Android tablet to the brunch with her this Sunday, before she blows it all on her elective surgery.
Why do you think I am blogging?
I cannot afford therapy and in her need to be right, my mom corrects my grammar, syntax and lectures me on stylistics.
I needed to vent my hurt and anger at being corrected for the past decade or so. The mean number of corrections is 2 per sentence. I am not stupid, she is very clever.
It is my blog and you will cry if I want you to. So will I but then that's not the point.